Dear Me #4

    A few days ago I just realized about something. I think its been for two years that I have an issue about why I can't get my one dream that I always ask for. Honestly, I have dream to continue my study to the next level. But the condition is so hard for me to make it come true. Everyday for two years I always think about that. I cried almost everyday before I sleep. But the feel of pain made me get closer to Allah Swt. I told to Allah how I can get my dream, what's my fault, and what's something that I left behind that made me feel so hard to catch this one? I trust Him with all of my heart (aamiin), so that's the one think that make me still alive until know. 

    A couple days ago, I reflected about my prayers. And I remember when I was in the college, I was always pray to be someone that very independent (financially), always have time to study, and have a comfortable life after graduation. But after graduated, I was changed my mind, I want to continue my study to the next level as fast as I can. The reason is I love study and research so much.

    Realize abut my prayers, actually I feel bad for myself because I knew that Allah has given to me everything that I asked. I got job as a content writer after my thesis defense and as a research assistant after that. So I have two jobs actually at that time before I took a graduation ceremony. I got payment from those jobs and can pay my stuff. And two months after graduation ceremony, I got official job as an editor at the publishing company during have two freelance jobs. 

    So, if I am consciousness about correlation between my prayers and my life right now, everything is balance. My prayers as I know, I want to be someone that very independent (financially) after graduate then I get it. I get payment from my jobs. And then I want to be someone that always have privilege to study, then I get. Now, I have freelance job as a research assistant and full time job as an editor. Those two jobs always make me have privilege to study every single time. 

    This condition should have made my life very comfortable. But feeling pain every single time that I have right now is because I am focusing for something that I can't have it yet. Have a big dream to continue the study to the next level isn't wrong. It needs time to prepare. As long as I don't stop praying and learning. I will go for it. I trust Him about everything. 

    Now, I just want to tell myself that I don't have to feel pain anymore. I just need to work harder than before because I know, Allah watch me to prepare about that one (my big dream) as what He did to me. He always give me everything that I need, look like everything that I have right now is what I always asked for before. So, I will work hard for one of my big dream, that is continue my study to the next level with my everything (Allah Swt.) and my own self. Aamiin 

    Allah Swt., thank you for everything that You have given to me. Especially to made me watch Ngaji Filsafat that Dr. Fahrudin Faiz said on a video.

"Allah Swt. always answer our prayers, whether in the way of form we really want or in some other form. This is because Allah knows better than us. Beside that, the mercy of Allah Swt. is so wide. He never failed to answers his servant's prayer."

    Think about what Dr. Fahrudin Faiz said on his ceramah, I think that everything his said is relatable with my life. So, the conclusion is I just need to work hard to go the trough (everything in front of me) with Allah Swt. and myself. And I hope Allah Swt. always be there (in my heart) every single time. Aamin.

Surakarta, 29 Oktober 2020

Dear Me #3

Whats wrong with me? Idk. That is always my answers. Today I feel so bad for myself for not doing good for everything. Especially for having social media that makes me spend a lot of time which is that is so waste my time. People have problem when they have social media cos they compare their self to others. But I'm not. I have problem about social media cos those are so fu*king waste my every single time. I can spend 3-5 hours for just scrolling and watching something that didn't impact for a good reason in my life. Now, I feel depress for it. So, I decided to delete all my social media, such as facebook, instagram, twitter, tiktok for like permanent. I thought, this is a big decision that I made. I hope it will works for myself, my life, and my mental health. I want to love myself like I should be. That's it. 

Dear Me #2

I don't know why I hate myself so much today. I think that everything in my heart, my brain, and in my body aren't in tune. It sucks honestly, but I can't handle them. How can everything inside us aren't in tune if we are the only thing that have those of things? Lot of times I always confused. I thought that my heart always knew about something that's right or not right. And then my brain think of how I should be or suppose to be, but the problem is in my body. The body is always like that, show to the heart and the brain that the body don't wanna be that the heart or the brain want. I am in so much trouble about that. How I can't handle my body to be something that my heart and my brain want. How to handle my body to be that the what the heart and the brain want it? 

How? Because I don't wanna ask why? 

Surakarta, 6 September 2020 

Dear Me #1

Hi you, it's been a long since the last time you posted the last story. So, what happen today? Why suddenly you open this site? Honestly, I don't know what happen with me. Just feel confuse about something. Btw, can I talk to you? Right, I think you want to listen to me now. 

Actually, I'm so confusing about something right now. That feeling started a couple days ago. I wanna tell you something. Sure, I will to be honest with you. You know that a couple days ago I got "big opportunity" for my life, but since that time I tell you that I scared to much. I don't know why and what I scared about. That opportunity makes me think about a lot of stuff. Many things gather in my brain. So, I can't think clearly and do my work at the office. Still, I haven't decide anything and every time I think about what my decision suppose to be, my brain hurts and feels so heavy. I did salat and told Allah Swt. whats going on. Now, I'm focus to understanding whats the sign that Allah gives to me. I hope you will say that what I'm doing is right. I tell you this, me. 

Surakarta, 24th June 2020