A few days ago I just realized about something. I think its been for two years that I have an issue about why I can't get my one dream that I always ask for. Honestly, I have dream to continue my study to the next level. But the condition is so hard for me to make it come true. Everyday for two years I always think about that. I cried almost everyday before I sleep. But the feel of pain made me get closer to Allah Swt. I told to Allah how I can get my dream, what's my fault, and what's something that I left behind that made me feel so hard to catch this one? I trust Him with all of my heart (aamiin), so that's the one think that make me still alive until know.
A couple days ago, I reflected about my prayers. And I remember when I was in the college, I was always pray to be someone that very independent (financially), always have time to study, and have a comfortable life after graduation. But after graduated, I was changed my mind, I want to continue my study to the next level as fast as I can. The reason is I love study and research so much.
Realize abut my prayers, actually I feel bad for myself because I knew that Allah has given to me everything that I asked. I got job as a content writer after my thesis defense and as a research assistant after that. So I have two jobs actually at that time before I took a graduation ceremony. I got payment from those jobs and can pay my stuff. And two months after graduation ceremony, I got official job as an editor at the publishing company during have two freelance jobs.
So, if I am consciousness about correlation between my prayers and my life right now, everything is balance. My prayers as I know, I want to be someone that very independent (financially) after graduate then I get it. I get payment from my jobs. And then I want to be someone that always have privilege to study, then I get. Now, I have freelance job as a research assistant and full time job as an editor. Those two jobs always make me have privilege to study every single time.
This condition should have made my life very comfortable. But feeling pain every single time that I have right now is because I am focusing for something that I can't have it yet. Have a big dream to continue the study to the next level isn't wrong. It needs time to prepare. As long as I don't stop praying and learning. I will go for it. I trust Him about everything.
Now, I just want to tell myself that I don't have to feel pain anymore. I just need to work harder than before because I know, Allah watch me to prepare about that one (my big dream) as what He did to me. He always give me everything that I need, look like everything that I have right now is what I always asked for before. So, I will work hard for one of my big dream, that is continue my study to the next level with my everything (Allah Swt.) and my own self. Aamiin
Allah Swt., thank you for everything that You have given to me. Especially to made me watch Ngaji Filsafat that Dr. Fahrudin Faiz said on a video.
"Allah Swt. always answer our prayers, whether in the way of form we really want or in some other form. This is because Allah knows better than us. Beside that, the mercy of Allah Swt. is so wide. He never failed to answers his servant's prayer."
Think about what Dr. Fahrudin Faiz said on his ceramah, I think that everything his said is relatable with my life. So, the conclusion is I just need to work hard to go the trough (everything in front of me) with Allah Swt. and myself. And I hope Allah Swt. always be there (in my heart) every single time. Aamin.
Surakarta, 29 Oktober 2020
